Mass Effect Minis
by fourthage
Summary: Minifills from the kinkmeme. Mostly FemShep/Garrus, but there's a ManShep/Vega in here too.
1. Long Distance (FShepxGarrus)

A/N - Misfire fill. The original comment read: "Credit where it's due - I've never liked phone sex stories until this one. :D"

* * *

It had taken Shepard weeks to smuggle in the parts to hook up an unauthorized comm link. It took another week to hack into a non-Alliance communications system that reached Palaven, and another two days before she and Garrus managed to be online at the same time.

He had just finished telling her what he was going to do when Alliance brass finally got their heads out of their collective asses and released her, and she was just starting to tell him exactly what was keeping her warm in her cold, turian-less bed, when she was interrupted by an embarrassed cough behind her. She whipped around, shutting down the link and glaring at an uncomfortable James Vega.

"Something I can help you with, soldier?"

"You aren't allowed to have that, commander."

Shepard had a stare that could make a krogan back down. She was using it on Vega now. "I'm allowed limited personal communication."

"On Earth. Ma'am."

"Tell you what, Vega. You let me have this one conversation, and I won't tell anyone about the more interesting extranet searches under your name that I found when I was patching my signal in."

She watched as Vega did a quick internal review of his searches and grimaced.

"I'll be back in an hour, commander."

Shepard grinned and pulled up the link again, hoping Garrus hadn't signed off when she cut off so abruptly. He responded immediately to her ping.

/Trouble?

"This just turned into a one-time only, limited duration offer."

/How limited?

"An hour."

/Wouldn't be the first time we've had a deadline.

"Wasting time, Vakarian."

/It's your move.

Shepard smiled, and proceeded to put the next hour to very good use.


	2. It's Always Henry Lawson's Fault

A/N - This was for a prompt asking for a fill about a truly ridiculous picture of Miranda on the Rule 34 website.

* * *

"Miranda?"

Shepard stood in the doorway of Miranda's office, looking supremely uncomfortable. Interesting.

"What can I do for you, Commander?" Miranda saved her latest report to the Illusive Man and folded her hands on her desk to indicate that she was giving her full attention. If anything, that made Shepard look even more uncomfortable. Very interesting.

"You know that Joker has a rather extensive collection of pictures and vids for, uh, private use."

"I am aware, yes. It hasn't affected his ability to pilot the Normandy, so it didn't seem relevant."

Shepard opened her mouth, then closed it again, looking to the ceiling as if praying for guidance. She shrugged and shoved a datapad at Miranda. "First picture," she said.

Miranda raised her eyebrows. Nothing in her files indicated that Shepard was prudish, just the opposite, in fact. She tapped the image file.

Her own face looked up at her, with a vacuous expression that had certainly never been on Miranda's face. Her doppelganger was naked. There were also wings. They seemed to be discharging electricity. And there were explosions and - was that 20th century audio equipment? The composition of the piece was a mess, with no discernible theme or color scheme. Miranda sneered.

"Uh, Miranda?" Shepard was looking at her worriedly.

Miranda sighed and put the datapad to one side. "I did tell you I wasn't my father's first attempt at a legacy."


	3. Drunken Confessions (FShepxGarrus)

"Shepard!"

Shepard stopped just inside her door. She'd told Garrus he was welcome in her cabin anytime, whether she was there or not, but he hadn't taken her up on the offer. Until now. And he'd found the turian brandy she'd stashed away under her desk, by the smell of things.

"Shepard!" Garrus repeated as he tripped up the step from the living area and threw his arms around her. She staggered a little under his weight as he leaned heavily against her.

"Garrus," she said back. "Got started without me, I see."

He nuzzled her neck in response, "Mmm. You smell so good."

"Uh, thanks."

"Really good. I love the way you smell."

"I like the way you smell, too, Garrus."

He inhaled deeply, then sputtered as some of her hair got in his mouth. Shepard tried not to laugh. He got himself sorted and draped his arms over her again.

"Love your hair too. S'really nice." He brought a hand up and patted her head gently. She did laugh then and untangled herself.

"Okay, flatterer. Why don't we take this to the couch?"

"Not just your hair," he said, following her. "All of you."

She sat and patted the seat next to her. "All of me what?"

Garrus looked at the couch like it was a particularly difficult set of algorithms and carefully lowered himself down. Then he looked at her and frowned. Before she could ask what was wrong, he reached over and pulled her into his lap. "Love all of you," he rumbled into her shoulder.

"I can't believe you had to get drunk to tell me that," Shepard said, amused. Garrus made a noise that sounded like agreement. She kissed his forehead, right where it met the beginning of his fringe, "Love you, too."

"No," he said. Shepard blinked, taken aback. He took one of her hands and put it where she had kissed. "Hands."

"What?"

"To polish my fringe. And I'll, uh, smooth your hair."

"Now?"

"Next time," He buried his face in her shoulder again. "S'what we do."

"Turian couples?"

"Yeah."

Shepard ran her hand along his fringe, feeling the slight bumps and rough patches. "Sounds good. I'll give you the shiniest fringe in Citadel space."

"I really love your hands."

"Do you now."

He pulled her hand back down and laced his three fingers through her five, "Especially all your fingers."

"I think I'm wearing too many clothes for this conversation," Shepard said. "Why don't you do something about that?"

And that was the wonderful thing about Garrus, Shepard thought sometime later, flushed and sated. When he did, he did thoroughly.


	4. Under the Tree (MShepxVega)

"Vega, what the hell are you doing?"

James Vega's feet jerked in surprise, and the whole tree quivered as he tried to extract himself. "Commander! You, uh, weren't supposed to be back yet."

"Still waiting, lieutenant."

"This wasn't my idea."

Shepard folded his arms and just looked at James, who still had a string of lights tangled around his wrist and was trying to find the end to untangle himself.

James sighed, "I lost the hand of Skyllian Five."

"And that leads to you putting up Christmas decorations in my cabin because?"

"I was out of credits?"

"And the lack of pants?"

"I was almost out of clothes too."

Shepard tried to maintain his commander face, he really did, but keeping a straight face when confronted with a half-naked James Vega who had tinsel clinging to his hair was a bit much to ask of any man.

"Almost is not good enough, soldier," Shepard managed, just before James could take real offense at the laughter. "But since you're already under my tree, I don't mind finishing the unwrapping."

The part of James that did not need help on this point signalled its agreement. His mouth said, "But what about the lights?"

"Vega, I say this with all intended holiday cheer: fuck the lights, shut up, and roll over."

"Yes, sir."

And a merry time was had by all.


	5. Ship Geeks (FShep&Cortez)

A/N - Another misfire fill. The misplaced comment read: "Is there going to be a follow up of the someone discovering this and their reaction?"

* * *

"You're kidding! That was a limited run. Only a hundred were made. I couldn't even get on the waiting list."

"Mint in package. Or it was at least. It's back in my apartment in Vancouver."

"Damn Reapers."

"Damn Reapers."

Garrus poked his head in the lounge in time to see Shepard and Cortez toss back drinks simultaneously.

"But this," Cortez picked up something from the bar. "This is amazing. I didn't think the schematics of a geth dreadnaught were known well enough for a model."

"They're not," Shepard said. "But I had an inside source and got it custom-made."

Cortez turned it over in his hands. "The detail on this is incredible. Is that the propulsion system?"

"Yeah, bit unusual placement, but they don't have to worry about radiation leaks the way we do."

"Wow. I'd love to see the rest of your collection."

Shepard burst out laughing. "You know," she said, wiping her eyes, "I think you're the first person who's said that to me and didn't mean it as a euphemism."

Cortez laughed too, and Garrus withdrew, shaking his head. Trust Shepard to find the one person on the ship who shared her ridiculous obsession with tiny ships.


	6. Sweet, Hot Chocolate Love (FShepxJacob)

A/N - Prompter saw The Line (you'll know it when you hit it) in a webcomic and asked for a Jacob fill. I couldn't resist.

* * *

"Coffee," Jacob said with a grimace.

"As in, like she liked her coffee? Ugh." Shepard thought for a moment. "Caramel and chocolate. By the same guy even."

Jacob gave her an appraising once over. "Milk chocolate maybe."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Nice. So what does that make you? 90% cacao?"

He grinned, and flexed a little, muscles pressing enticingly against the thin fabric of his shirt. "You know it."

She smirked and licked her lips deliberately. "I seem to recall there being more planned for tonight than just talk." She lifted a leg and ran her foot along the outside of Jacob's calf.

He put down his beer. "All right, I can take a hint, Shepard." He pulled off his shirt without preamble and shucked it in the corner. Shepard raised an eyebrow, but she crooked a finger to make him come closer.

Jacob grabbed her hand and pulled her up off the couch instead. He looked deep into her eyes, and she felt a sharp stab of panic, because this was supposed to be _casual_, dammit. "Shepard," he said, his voice low and intent in a way that did nothing for her sudden nerves. "Enough of this talk, let us make sweet, hot chocolate love!"

Shepard gaped at him, then his face cracked and he started laughing. She joined him a second later, and they were still laughing as they fell on to the bed.

She was still chuckling when they hit the Collector home base, and she promised herself that if they all got through this, she was going to go back for seconds.


	7. Piledriver Waltz (FShep&Tali)

A/N - Prompt fic from tumblr. Technically inspired by the song "Piledriver Waltz", but only in a sideways roundabout fashion.

* * *

Tali came to see her the day before the last ship left for quarian space. Shepard was well enough to be awake most of the day, but was still confined to bed and bored out of her mind.

"I've got just the thing," Tali said, taking a seat beside the bed. She put a small transmitter on the bed's attached tray and punched in a few things on her omnitool. The vidscreen on the wall started playing a melancholic orchestral piece while the camera swooped around a green planet. Shots of various asari turning and posing faded in and out before the title screen appeared, blue and sparkling.

"Tali," Shepard said. "You did not bring me an asari soap opera."

"Don't laugh," Tali said. "It's won every award there is. And it's been on for _centuries_. You'll never run out of episodes!" Shepard gave her a skeptical look. "Just try it," Tali pleaded. "It will give us something to keep in touch about."

Shepard sighed. "Can't be worse than the guy with the puppet who came around last week."

Tali perked up and drew her chair closer. "I didn't start you at the beginning. This is when Ralea gets introduced. She's the pure-blooded half-sister of Matriarch Janis who was lost in a shuttle crash over Selvos fifty years ago. Everyone thought she was dead, but at the end of the last episode she crashed Janis's daughter's bonding ceremony and . . ."

Despite herself, Shepard smiled. There were definitely worse ways to pass the morning than listening to Tali's brand of exhaustively detailed enthusiasm. She got herself more comfortable against the pillows and settled in for the long haul.

Several hours later found them in the middle of a heated discussion of the latest plot twist.

"Of course he was in love with her," Tali said. "Did you see how fast his eyes were blinking when she told him goodbye?"

Shepard caught movement by the door and waved Garrus in without pausing. "He was in love with the clone. He didn't have time to fall in love with her."

"Salarians do everything faster," Tali said.

"Is that _Lies of Eternity_?" Garrus interrupted.

Shepard stopped. "You watch this?" she asked.

"My parents used to. When Dad was away, they'd schedule a vidlink and watch it together."

"Your father watches _Lies of Eternity,_" Shepard said flatly.

Tali sighed. "That's actually kind of sweet."

Garrus got a funny look on his face, probably from the words "father" and "sweet" being used in the same sentence. "Not anymore. Not since Mom, well."

"So, no using the revelation about the elcor bondmate as an icebreaker. Got it." Shepard said.

"Please don't," he told Shepard. Then, as if he couldn't help himself, "Which one?"

"Don't spoil her!" Tali said.

Shepard laughed. "Looks like we'll both be keeping in touch."

Garrus groaned and dropped his head to his hands.


End file.
